How is finding a NYC apartment just like online dating?
No, the answer is not “both are miserable” 😅
I’m one of the SMP coaches, Katherine. My boyfriend and I are moving in together (read about how finally practicing what I preach as a coach led to us falling in love), so a few weeks ago we started the dreaded process of pulling up StreetEasy every day, connecting with brokers, and scheduling viewings.
The very first apartment we viewed, I was in the space for under 5 seconds before deciding NO.
I’ve lived in my beautifully decorated, homey, enormous (because I live with roommates and collectively we can afford a big space), familiar, beloved apartment for 5 years. So walking into this unfamiliar and unadorned space was totally jarring, and if I’d had my druthers, I would have turned around and walked right back out.
But the broker was chatty (like… so chatty), so my partner Brian and I spent an unexpected extra 15 minutes standing in the living room, politely nodding our “mmhmms” and “so trues” to the broker, continuing to take in the space.
I started to imagine us clattering around the kitchen cooking for friends; setting up our record player over there in that corner; investing in some art together to brighten the walls.
Because I had to stand nonjudgmentally in that apartment for extra time, I warmed to the space, and started to see how I might fit my life inside it.
I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this analogy 😎
As a coach, I help people set up and curate their Hinge and Bumble profiles, and I walk them through the swiping and matching process. So I get to be privy to a minute or two of my clients’ swiping habits, and WOW — so many of you guys swipe SO FAST!
Forget about looking at the entire profile — almost before the first picture has fully populated on the screen, the profile gets swiped away, my clients bemoaning that there is “no one good on the apps.”
This method, obviously, does not lead to any dates.
Here’s what DOES: take a little bit of honest time with each profile.
Start by genuinely looking at every photo and reading every word of the bio or prompts. See the person as the sum of their whole profile, not just the first picture. Then, once you’ve done that, set a timer for 30 seconds and really picture the person in that profile. If you were seated across from them at a coffee shop, what might you learn from them? What do you have a hunch you’d share in common? What is a compliment you could pay them right now?
A recent trip to Vegas taught me that I am not a gambler (too stressful!!), but I’d be willing to put money on the fact that you’ll go on more dates and feel more enriched in your dating life if you try this method.
So challenge yourself: slow down on your swiping! Approach new profiles without judgment and with an open heart. I promise you, it’s going to make a difference.
Brian and I talked after seeing that apartment about how the extra time had really transformed our perception of the space for both of us, and we vowed to try that approach with any future apartments we saw.
We signed a lease on the very next one.
Happy Dating,
Katherine
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