Let’s Talk Dating App Filters

We put out a call last week for your current dating questions and sticking points, and I loved trying out a Dear Abby style! Here’s a question from a dater, plus another response we got below that couldn’t have been more perfectly timed. Enjoy!
​

Dear Alyssa,

I turned 62 in September. Other women make the most disparaging comments about meeting anybody on the apps or (I guess) at my age. I really kinda hate that.
​
I’m on Bumble. They keep offering me 14 people if only I’d change my filters, but my filters are pretty firm – not in an especially jerky way. (I’m Burnt Haystacking.)
​
Should I give up?

Ann
​

Dear Ann,

First of all, I hear you on the negativity around dating—it’s hard to not get sucked into that way of thinking if everyone around you is only complaining about dating! But please remember this: I’ve had clients of all ages—let me repeat that, ALL AGES—meet people either on dating apps or off the apps. There simply is no cut off age for finding love—just look at the success of The Golden Bachelor, or this wonderful article in the Wall Street Journal, “Dating in Your 70s Has Never Been This Much Fun.“

Anyone who says differently is reflecting a scarcity mindset. If you want a partner, you deserve one at any age, through any means. Taking the initiative to be on dating apps means that you’re expanding your possibility of meeting someone who’s right for you, and that’s only a great thing!

Now, here’s what I have to say about filters. You can read about this in depth in my blog post “Your Hinge Dealbreakers Are Costing You An Alarming Number of Dates (and you don’t realize it)“—it applies equally to Bumble as it does to Hinge!

In short, I’m not a fan of using dating app filters on things other than age and location. Dating apps require that you include your age and your location, but that’s pretty much it. That means that a lot of people don’t even list on their profiles whether they smoke, drink, exercise, what their highest level of education is, or whether they want kids.

So if you set your filters to doesn’t smoke / drinks sometimes / has an undergraduate degree / doesn’t want kids, you are limiting yourself to seeing only profiles of people who have proactively included each of those pieces of information. So sure, maybe someone doesn’t want kids, but maybe they’re also 62 so feel like that’s implied and not necessary to list on their profile. Or maybe someone’s a nonsmoker, but didn’t proactively list it. I can tell you, as a coach who has looked at thousands of profiles, most people only list if they have a particular vice like smoking or taking drugs. If they don’t do something, they more often leave it off their profile entirely rather than list proactively that they don’t smoke or do drugs.

I love the Burned Haystack method and I’m so happy you’re employing it! I just think that it’s easy enough to swipe left on someone’s profile who displays traits you don’t want, rather than over-filtering people out from the start.

Why not give removing those filters a try? You can always bring filters back if you find that certain ones were particularly effective for you. But I want you to be able to choose your matches from the widest pool possible, and not lose out on someone amazing because you accidentally filtered them out.

I’m rooting for you 🙂

Best,
Alyssa

P.S. I’m huge fan of the Burned Haystack method and I’m so happy you’re employing it!

I feel really strongly about this conversation around filters—it’s a major thing I talk about with my private clients. So imagine my delight when I received this email after I’d already written the above response!

“I bought the DIY profile kit through the Burned Haystack Dating Method. I already had the recommended photos, and I rewrote my dating profile. I found it helpful not to select the dating goals on Match, and discussed dating goals in the about me section. I think this made more people actually read my profile instead of looking at the pictures only.

I started getting more higher quality matches.

I am in my 60’s and divorced after a 39 year marrIage. I am currently dating a wonderful guy I met on Match. I think this was due to my new profile and the Burned Haystack Dating Method technique.”

​
So there you have it—these methods work. If you’re a woman and haven’t found Burned Haystack yet, check it out! If you’re a man or a woman and haven’t gotten the DIY Profile Kit yet, what are you waiting for? And if you haven’t audited your filters in a while, now’s the time.
​

Happy Dating!

Alyssa

The One and Only DIY Profile Kit

Designed for getting your profile Swipe-Right ready in as little time as possible. With the DIY Profile Kit, you’ll learn to avoid the most common pitfalls that make for an undesirable profile while building a winning profile that attracts individuals who match your lifestyle and standards.

LEARN MORE

DATING TIPS TO GET YOU STARTED

<< MORE DATING APP ADVICE