How To Get Set Up

You guys all know — I’ve built my business around online dating. I believe in dating apps wholeheartedly as a proven, effective tool for going on dates and ultimately, hopefully, for meeting your perfect match.

So what you might not realize is: I’m a huge believer in trying to meet singles in real life, too! Being on the apps does not – and should not – preclude you from putting yourself out there to meet people IRL. If it’s a longterm partner you’re after, it’s worth putting the effort in on all fronts!

One of my favorite methods is, of course, the good old fashioned set up. But I’m going to tell you how to work some Psychology 101 to your advantage, so you learn how to get set up most effectively.

It may be tempting to tell a group of friends at a dinner party that you’d like for them to set you up with their eligible single friends, or even to send out a group text or email asking the same. But that’s setting you up for textbook bystander effect, where no one will feel the onus is actually on them specifically to help.

I made this mistake myself after my divorce. I sent an email to 10 of my close girlfriends, saying I was open to being set up with any single or divorced people they knew and would they keep me in mind. They said of course they would, but then… crickets. They got busy, they assumed someone else in the group would know someone, the email drifted away from the top of their inboxes, and I never followed up. Each of these friends would have been ecstatic to help me, but because I felt like I didn’t want to be annoying, I didn’t set myself up for success.

Here’s what I want you to do instead. Learn from my mistake, and send a personalized text to one friend (or one couple) at a time. You can use this as a baseline script, and tweak it to your voice and circumstance:

“Mary, it was so fun seeing you this weekend! I’m reaching out because I’m trying my best to meet more people through friends, rather than just relying on dating apps. Are there any single people you know through work or life you might be comfortable setting me up with? I’m open to meeting all kinds of people!”

I guarantee this method will inspire people to actually spend time going through their mental rolodex, because they will feel personally called upon to help you. Maybe not everyone will have great single candidates in mind, but some will, and you will go on dates!

And if they don’t have someone at the moment, make sure to follow up again in a few months. More likely than not, they’ll have crossed paths with or been reminded of someone they hadn’t thought of the first time around.

To those of you thinking “But Alyssa, I don’t want to seem desperate or annoying” — let me tell you, you’re not! Following up is actually a helpful way to let your friends know you’re open to them being involved in your dating life, and that it wasn’t a one-off, spur-of-the-moment thought you had. People know that being single and in the modern dating world can sometimes be a touchy or painful subject, so they need you to lead the way by letting them know you’re okay with talking about it, okay with receiving help, and, after some time has elapsed, that you’re still single and this is still top of mind!

Has this worked for you? Write me and let me know! And then stick around for next week’s newsletter, where I’ll break down some of the popular organizations you can use to meet other singles in your age bracket.
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Happy Dating,

Alyssa

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