The T.A.L.K. Method: How to become a better conversationalist the easy way

Raise your hand if you think you are a natural-born conversationalist!

That’s awesome if you feel that way… but it’s also not true. No one is born knowing how to converse (literally). It’s a skill you’ve developed and practiced and honed over time.

Which means that if you’re sitting there thinking “oh, I am not great at conversation,” that’s just because you haven’t practiced the tools yet.

You CAN become a better conversationalist, and it turns out — it’s not even hard.

At the Global Love Conference I attended last month, I went to an incredible lecture from Alison Brooks, an associate professor at Harvard.

She recently wrote a book called ​Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves​ — I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

I found her main takeaways so inspiring for all of life’s contexts, but especially for dating!

One of her biggest points is about understanding and navigating the “topic pyramid.”

Small talk comes first. For Brooks, small talk means the types of things that truly anyone could join a conversation about: the weather, news highlights, an upcoming holiday, etc.

The key is to get out of small talk fast, and into “tailored talk.”

As you’re small talking, look for things that come up that relate to a more personal experience for you that you can share. And if they open the door to something that’s a bit more personal to them, latch onto it. Ask a question. Use the momentum to get into topics that are tailored to the other person.

From there, if you keep asking kind and thoughtful questions — basically, if you act genuinely curious in what the person has to say — you’ll be able to graduate to “deep talk,” where connection really happens.

We’ve all heard daters say (or we’ve said ourselves), “there just wasn’t a *spark* on the date.”

When you can’t push past safe, comfortable small talk patterns, a spark simply can’t exist! But with practice, you’ll have the power to maneuver your way into tailored talk and deep talk.

Brooks goes so deep on all of those tactics in her book. You can expect to learn so much more about her “TALK” acronym: Topics, Asking, Levity, & Kindness.

Topics: it can actually be helpful to plan certain topics to talk about ahead of time

Asking: ask questions (duh!) — but specifically ask open-ended questions that start with “what,” vs. more nit-picky questions that start with “how” or “why”

Levity: you don’t have to be actively funny for people to think you’re funny — you just have to let yourself laugh when anything silly, unexpected, or joyful happens

Kindness: expressing kindness through active listening makes people feel safe, heard, and appreciated

As with most things, practice makes perfect. So ​grab her book​ to use as the perfect practice manual!

Happy Conversing!

Alyssa

The One and Only DIY Profile Kit

Designed for getting your profile Swipe-Right ready in as little time as possible. With the DIY Profile Kit, you’ll learn to avoid the most common pitfalls that make for an undesirable profile while building a winning profile that attracts individuals who match your lifestyle and standards.

LEARN MORE

MORE THOUGHTS ON DEALBREAKERS

<< MORE DATING APP ADVICE