A couple of weeks ago I introduced the rule of the Four-Date Minimum — a dating approach I’ve always believed in, and finally put a name to!

I’ve seen time and time and time again how much my friends and clients’ perceptions of their dates have shifted over those first few crucial dates.

The steadiest and best people often need a little time to come out of their shells. I think it’s pretty worth sitting through a few pleasant-but-not-electric dates when the payoff could be meeting the love of your life (as happened to me and two of the SMP coaches).

But you also want to set yourself — and your date — up for the most success possible, by curating dates that allow for camaraderie and intimacy to grow.

So here’s my guide to Your First Four Dates!
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Date #1: Coffee or a Drink

First dates are the biggest leaps of faith, which means they’re also ripe for nerves or awkwardness.
Your first date should be a beverage of some kind, whether it’s coffee or a cocktail.

Drinks dates are the easiest to keep short if they’re not going super well, or to elongate if they are.

If you’re already going to have some first date jitters, you don’t want to add on the pressure of a whole meal!

Ambiance also makes a huge difference here. Opt for a spot with warm, soft lighting — it’ll help put you and your date at ease, and keep the date from feeling like an interview.

At the end of the date, don’t ask yourself whether you could see this person as your soulmate. Ask yourself if they were kind to you and you had some things in common. If yes, go on another date.
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Date #2: Dinner

On date two, you and your date will both loosen up a bit. After all, you’re not complete strangers to each other anymore!

So grab a meal for Date #2, and give yourself and your date the time and space to dig a bit deeper into each other’s lives. It’s okay (and good, in fact!) to be a little vulnerable, or ask a probing follow-up question.

The nerves won’t be totally gone on a second date, so you can still expect conversation to occasionally feel effortful.

But if your date remains kind and considerate, even if there are no fireworks yet, go on Date #3.
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Date #3: An Activity

Okay, enough talking already! It’s time to see how your date actually acts out in the world.

Do some kind of activity for Date #3, to break up the pressure of another evening of sitting across a table from one another and coming up with topics.

Some of my favorites for a third date are:

• A comedy show — see if you laugh at the same things!
• A museum — there’s so much to comment on!
• Bowling — perfect opportunity for some flirty competitiveness!

Doing something active like this is the best way to disarm your date, and see more and more of the real person behind the dating mask.

Are we having some fun? Then it’s on to Date #4!
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Date #4: Choose Your Own Adventure

I don’t have a prescription for what you do on Date #4, just that you go on it.

There’s something about a fourth date that helps you really understand where your heart is at with this new person.

You’ve both let down your guard, laughed together, and learned whether you have the same kinds of values and speak the same kind of language.

I’ve seen this date be the one where people who liked their date’s personality but didn’t find them super physically attractive suddenly feel a switch flip.

I’ve also seen this date be the one where the person who’s been cute but a little boring suddenly lets their wit and edge shine through.

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I’m with Yoav today because of the Four-Date Minimum 🙂 I hope this blueprint makes your first four dates the best relationship indicators they can be!

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Happy Dating!

Alyssa

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