What a sexologist thinks about attraction psychology

I want to talk about something that happens on every single date — whether you realize it or not.

The first few seconds.

Because in my latest conversation on The Dating Lab, I sat down with Dr. Jenn Kennedy (clinical sexologist and therapist), and we got into what’s actually going on in your brain when you meet someone for the first time.

And… it’s a lot.

Before you’ve even decided if you “like” them, your brain has already started sorting. Fast. Quietly. Automatically.

Safe or unsafe. Familiar or unfamiliar. My type or not my type.

And what’s tricky is that what you think you’re looking for is often very different from what your brain is wired to recognize.

Which is why so many people say they want one thing… and keep dating the exact same person in a different outfit.

Sound familiar?

The Ex Problem

We also talked about something I see all the time — this unconscious pull toward people who feel like our exes. Not because they’re good for us, but because there’s some part of us that thinks, “Maybe this time I’ll get a different ending.”

It’s like going back to the pound and picking out the same cat over and over again, just hoping this one won’t scratch you.

Spoiler: it usually does.

Breaking that cycle doesn’t mean finding someone who gives you that instant, dramatic spark. In fact, it often means the opposite. Choosing something that feels a little calmer. A little steadier. Maybe even a little unfamiliar.

And yes, that can feel weird at first.

But “different” is often exactly the point.

Sex and Desire

Dr. Jenn is a sexologist, so of course one of the most interesting parts of this conversation was around desire — specifically this idea that women, especially in midlife, just have “low desire.”

I’m sorry, but… no.

It’s not that desire disappears. It’s that the experience isn’t meeting the need.

When intimacy feels rushed, performative, or disconnected, of course your body isn’t going to respond.

Which is why Dr. Jenn talked about something called “sensate focus” — basically slowing everything way down, taking the pressure off, and treating physical intimacy more like a mindfulness experience than a performance.

Less doing. More feeling.

And honestly? That shift alone can change everything.

If you’re someone who feels stuck in patterns, confused by your own attraction, or wondering why dating keeps leading you back to the same types of people… this episode is going to give you a lot to think about.

It’s insightful, a little bit confronting (in a good way), and incredibly helpful.

You can listen to the full episode on Spotify, Apple, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.