Checked out my Empowered Women Facebook group yet? I do a weekly Facebook Live where I cover topics YOU’VE asked me about. This past week, I went in on the thing that can stymie even the most seasoned of daters: messaging.

Messaging on a dating app is truly an art!

After coaching online daters for the last 6 years, I’ve seen that even if you have a stellar profile, if you’re not a savvy texter, your matches won’t turn into dates. It’s continually frustrating for my clients.

Luckily, there are some simple rules for messaging you can follow. With these guidelines and some practice, you’ll be able to turn your match into a date with ease.
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6 Key Messaging Guidelines

1) Start Strong

Don’t just start with “Hi” or “How are you.” It’s impossible to respond to that in a not-boring way! Instead, you need to engage people and make it so they actually want to reply. We have some great conversation starters available in our DIY Profile Kit, but a couple examples are:

What would be the name of your memoir?

or

I’m looking for a new movie to see this weekend! Seen anything that’s out right now that you’d recommend?

or

What’s a nice thing someone has done for you recently?

Make sure to have your own fun and interesting answer ready, and boom, you’re off to the races.

2) Ask Questions

This is the single best piece of advice I can give about messaging.

Asking questions (duh!) demonstrates an interest in the other person, aka the literal foundation of dating! Each time you send a message, you should include information about yourself, and end with a question about them to make clear you want the conversation to continue. You wouldn’t believe the number of times a client has told me their match had ghosted them, when it turns out the last message they’d sent to their match was only a one or two word answer that gave their match nothing to respond to!

And of course, this goes both ways. If your match isn’t consistently asking you questions, then they’re demonstrating that they aren’t actually curious about you. Unmatch and move on.
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3) Show Some Vulnerability

The shape of a conversation should be: connect, banter a bit, and then at some point, show some vulnerability. Vulnerability is so important in dating. I know it’s really hard for most people to do, but in order to really connect with people, it’s a must.

Now to be clear, texting with a match isn’t a time to share all your deepest darkest secrets. But sharing something as small as “I had the blues at work today” or as big as “I’m feeling a little nervous about dating, it’s been a while” goes a long way to showing your humanity and creating an extra level of intimacy.
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4) Get a Second Opinion

A common exercise in my group coaching sessions is to have someone who’s feeling unsure about a match read their conversation out loud, and have the other group members give their interpretation. 9 times out of 10, the person has perceived incompatibility where the rest of the group saw none. So much nuance is lost in texting, and sometimes how you’re reading to yourself it is not how it’s meant. Especially when you’re feeling in a less-than-positive moment with online dating, you might subconsciously be wanting to dismiss people before they can dismiss you.

I am NOT saying to keep talking to people who in any way, shape, or form seem negative or make you feel undervalued. Yuck! There are too many great people out there to spend any time putting up with that kind of nonsense. But sometimes a friend’s opinion can be an extremely valuable sanity check.
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5) Get to the Date

So: did you join the apps to find a pen pal, or to go on dates?

It’s so easy to find yourself in an endless back and forth of messages. I’ve found that often for straight folks, women are waiting for the man to make the first move; meanwhile, men are worried about coming off as too pushy or eager, and want to wait to take cues from the woman. But whether you’re matching with someone of the opposite sex or the same, be the person to break the endless messaging cycle! Once you’ve sent 4 or 5 back-and-forths to one another, cut to the chase and ask your match for a phone call or a date. Your match will be so glad you did!

6) Be Your Actual Self

You are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and not everyone is going to be yours. So don’t waste anyone’s time—be your actual, real, weird self in your messages. You should WANT to turn some people off! That is such a better alternative than trying to conform yourself to be someone you think your match is going to like, if that’s not what you’re going to be like in the long haul. You want to be loved for YOU!

Happy Dating!

Alyssa

The One and Only DIY Profile Kit

Designed for getting your profile Swipe-Right ready in as little time as possible. With the DIY Profile Kit, you’ll learn to avoid the most common pitfalls that make for an undesirable profile while building a winning profile that attracts individuals who match your lifestyle and standards.

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