The 4 Date Minimum

Two weeks ago, we talked about the crucial dating rule to live by: Date Vanilla.

But Dating Vanilla on its own won’t transform your dating life on its own unless it’s paired with Rule #2: The Four-Date Minimum.

Here’s why this one’s so important: it genuinely takes time for people to relax and show you who they actually are.

The first date? Everyone’s nervous, rehearsed, maybe even a little guarded. You’re still trying to figure out if you even want to be there.

By date two, you’re both a little more relaxed. You might start to see glimpses of the real person underneath.

By date three, the walls start to drop. You begin to feel how you interact — whether it’s easy or effortful, natural or forced. The person sitting across from you is no longer a total stranger. A lot of people start to feel attraction that wasn’t there right off the bat.

And by date four, that’s when you usually know. You’ve spent enough time to see if there’s compatibility and to see if there’s attraction — if you share values, humor, rhythm.

That’s why I say: don’t make a decision too soon.

Give people enough time to reveal themselves. Some of the best relationships I’ve seen started out with someone saying, “Honestly, I wasn’t sure after the first date.”

Just look at the Style My Profile team: me and Yoav, Katherine and her husband, Max and his wife. We all independently took 3 or 4 (or in Katherine’s case, 5!) dates to move from pleasant but relatively neutral feelings about our partners to realizing there was something there that might be worth investing in.

This does not mean you need to keep seeing someone who treats you with anything less than the utmost respect. If someone is unkind or uncommunicative, sets you on edge, or raises any red flags, go your separate ways.

The Four-Date Minimum is for the people who are kind to you but don’t wow you.

When you combine the two rules — picking vanilla and sticking it out through at least four dates — you’re setting yourself up for real connection instead of surface-level attraction.

Because when you only chase wow, you end up back on the apps every few weeks. But when you date vanilla and give it time, you give yourself the chance to build something real.

So next time you’re on the apps, remember this:
​Stop waiting for wow. Pick vanilla. And give it four dates.
​That’s how the real magic happens — the kind that lasts.
​

Happy Dating,

Alyssa

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