Divorce, Dating, and Those Gut Instincts

There’s a moment that happens after a breakup or a divorce that I see all the time — and if you’ve been through it, you’ll know exactly what I mean.

It’s that quiet (and honestly, kind of uncomfortable) space where it’s just… you.

No relationship to focus on. No one else’s needs to prioritize. No distraction from your own thoughts.

And a lot of people don’t stay there very long.

In my latest episode of The Dating Lab, I sat down with Shari Joseph and Tamara Frankfort, the founders of My Next Chapter — a platform built specifically for people navigating divorce — and we talked about what really happens in that in-between phase.

The Race (it’s not the kind you win)

What we see all the time is what they call the “race.”

The race to get back out there.
The race to start dating again.
The race to prove (to yourself, to your ex, to the world) that you’re “fine.”

But here’s the question I want you to actually sit with:

Are you dating because you’re ready… or because you’re trying to escape how this moment feels?

Because those are two very different energies. And they lead to very different outcomes.

We talked a lot about that “icky” feeling — the loneliness, the uncertainty, the loss of identity that can come after a relationship ends.

That feeling is real. Of course it is.

But trying to outrun it by immediately filling your life (and your calendar) with new people? That usually just delays the actual healing.

At the same time — importantly! — you don’t have to be perfectly “healed” to start dating again.

There’s this idea that you need to fully figure yourself out, tie everything up in a neat bow, and then you’re allowed to move on.

That’s not how it works.

Sometimes dating again is part of the healing. It can show you what you want now. What feels different. What you’re no longer willing to accept.

But the key is why you’re doing it.

Are you adding someone to a life you’ve started to rebuild… or are you hoping they’ll rebuild it for you?

That distinction matters more than anything.

The Deal With Instincts

We also talked about something I care deeply about: listening to your instincts.

Especially coming out of a marriage where maybe you ignored them. Maybe you explained things away. Maybe you normalized being unhappy because it felt easier than making a change.

Your gut is your best tool. Full stop.

And learning to trust it again — in dating, in relationships, in yourself — is one of the most important parts of this whole process.

There’s no one right way to move through a divorce. Some people have amicable separations, others are navigating high-conflict situations. Some feel relief, some feel grief, most feel a mix of everything.

But there is an opportunity here.

To slow down.
To get to know yourself again.
To build a life that actually feels good to you — not just one that looks good from the outside.

And from that place? Dating becomes something very different.

Not a race. Not an escape. But a choice.

If you’re in this phase — or even just thinking about what your “next chapter” could look like — this conversation is a really good one.

You can listen to the full episode on Spotify, Apple, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Happy Dating,

Alyssa