I took Alyssa’s advice, and now I’m getting married 💍

Katherine here, doing an SMP takeover!

Success story alert – I got engaged to my wonderful partner of 2.5 years last week! But no, I’m not one of Alyssa’s clients exactly… I’m actually a coach on the SMP team.

Working for Alyssa for the last 4 years has meant 4 years of soaking up her advice and her dating world view — I’ve basically gotten her coaching for free 😊 And I’m here to tell you how Alyssa’s story is literally – literally – what led me to saying “yes!” to the love of my life.

In my first two years of working at Style My Profile, I can’t say I was exactly practicing what I preached. I’d always been someone who made snap judgments on dates, hubristically thinking my EQ was better than anyone else’s. I told clients to take their time getting to know someone, to give someone the benefit of the doubt, to go on that second date… and then when I found myself suddenly back on the apps after a 2-year relationship ended, I promptly did exactly the opposite.

I went on 10 first dates in the span of 30 days, and found something wrong with each and every one of them.

It would be one thing if they were each rude, or standoffish, or, I don’t know, drooled or something. But no — they were nice guys who were kind to me but with whom I didn’t feel an initial spark.

I carried on swiping, sure there was no one good enough/interesting enough/fun enough left out there and I would die alone.

Meanwhile, I was constantly sharing Alyssa’s incredible love story. How she had taken the time to thoughtfully examine what she actually valued in a partner. Not the superficial stuff like height or a particular type of job or even shared hobbies, but the stuff that fundamentally matters in the makeup of a good person: kindness, attentiveness, thoughtfulness, supportiveness, honesty.

And once she’d identified those things, she said yes to second dates with people who exhibited those qualities, and no to people who didn’t (even if those people were more initially exciting or compelling or sexy). If someone kept showing that they were truly a good person, she would keep seeing them. Even if it didn’t develop into something romantic, at least she would gain a friend.

If you don’t yet know the story, this is exactly what happened with Yoav, her partner of now 7.5 years. He wasn’t her usual type and there was no initial spark or particular chemistry — but he was clearly a good guy, so she said yes to Date 2. And then to Date 3. Still no spark, but boy was he nice. There were no games, no stress — he liked Alyssa and made that known, so she went on Date 4.

On Date 4, everything changed. Now they knew each other, had a basis of genuine respect for one another, had gotten past any initial jitters or dancing around and could be their fully-fledged selves. And now suddenly, Alyssa felt like he was really funny. And really interesting. And really, really attractive.

I don’t know why I finally allowed this story to resonate with me when I met Brian. Maybe it was that a friend had set us up, so I felt like I should give him more of a chance than an anonymous app date (note: your app dates are people too, please give them just as much of a chance!). Maybe it was that my snap judgment style wasn’t working and I knew I needed to make a change. Maybe it was some way a client responded to Alyssa’s story that made me finally really hear it. Maybe any number of things.

What matters is that on my first date with Brian, I didn’t hear wedding bells, and I didn’t have any R-rated fantasies. In fact, I had a lot of doubts – that he wasn’t funny enough, that he was too nice, that I wasn’t physically attracted to him, etc. But he was undeniably an inquisitive and great listener, he spoke about his friends and family with care, he exuded kindness.

So I said yes to a second date.

​As I wrote about here two years ago, it took me until Date 5 to have the epiphany that Alyssa reached with Yoav on Date 4. In fact, I almost ended things with Brian after our own Date 4 because I wasn’t yet feeling a romantic connection. But I held on for one more date, and a switch flipped. Brian was all those things I was worried he wasn’t, and so much more. He makes me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever met; he’s the nicest person I know but he’s not a pushover; he’s now so physically attractive to me that sometimes it hurts my eyes. I just needed to take the time on those early dates to let us both loosen up and become our real selves.

Earlier this year we moved in together, and last Thursday he got down on one knee. I never could have imagined I would feel this lucky and loved in my life, and never could have imagined it after our first date.

So when I say to give the nice guy a chance, or give the guy who’s outside of your typical type a chance, it’s because I want you to be feel every bit of this kind of love. It’s out there!! It just requires putting snap judgments aside, both on apps and on dates. Seek kindness, even if it doesn’t come in the physical package you’re expecting.

And I’m happy to get to use my newsletter takeover to say: Alyssa, THANK YOU! You changed my life. I couldn’t be happier!

xo,
Katherine

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