Messaging on dating apps is the number one thing that clients ask me about, struggle with, and make mistakes on that lead to missed connections, fizzled conversations, and lack of dates.

Even if you have a stellar profile, if you’re not a savvy texter, your matches won’t turn into dates. It’s continually frustrating for my clients.

Luckily, there are some seriously simple, straightforward rules you can follow. With these guidelines and some practice, you’ll be able to turn your match into a date with ease. I promise!
​

6 Key Messaging Guidelines

1) Start Strong

Don’t just start with “Hi” or “How are you.” It’s impossible to respond to that in a not-boring way! Instead, you need to engage people and make it so they actually want to reply. We have some great conversation starters available in our DIY Profile Kit, but a couple examples are:

What would be the name of your memoir?

or

I’m looking for a new movie to see this weekend! Seen anything that’s out right now that you’d recommend?

or

What’s a nice thing someone has done for you recently?

Make sure to have your own fun and interesting answer ready, and boom, you’re off to the races.
​

2) Show Some Vulnerability

The shape of a conversation should be: connect, banter a bit, and then at some point, show some vulnerability. Vulnerability is so important in dating. I know it’s really hard for most people to do, but in order to really connect with people, it’s a must.

Now to be clear, texting with a match is not a time to share all your deepest darkest secrets. But sharing something as small as “I had the blues at work today” or as big as “I’m feeling a little nervous about dating, it’s been a while” goes a long way to showing your humanity and creating an extra level of intimacy.
​

3) Ask Them to Ask You Questions

The main frustration my female clients share is that men don’t ask enough questions (ever happened to you? I bet it has!).

Yes, the struggle is real. But I’ve written about some ways to get your match to change gears and start asking questions back. There are more options in the article, but here’s a prime example:

“Ok, I’ve bombarded you with questions – it’s your turn now! What do you wanna know?”

But only do this once! If this doesn’t drastically change someone’s behavior, move on—you can give someone a gentle nudge, but you can’t teach someone to be interested and engaged if they’re naturally not.

​

4) Ask Questions Yourself

On the flip side, if you’re the one not asking questions, you need to start!!!

Answer their question and then follow up with a question back. You need to start a volley back and forth, and always ask a question in return so they know you’re still interested in keeping the conversation going. You wouldn’t believe the number of times a client has told me their match had ghosted them, when it turns out the last message they’d sent to their match was only a one or two word answer that gave their match nothing to respond to!
​

5) Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt

A common exercise in my group coaching sessions is to have someone read their conversation out loud, and have the other group members give their interpretation. 9 times out of 10, the person has perceived negativity or incompatibility where the rest of the group saw none. So much nuance is lost in texting, and sometimes how you’re reading it is not how it’s meant. I advise people to err on the side of believing that your match is doing their best! (Unless they are outright rude or unkind, of course, or your gut sense doesn’t go away as the conversation continues.)
​

6) Get to the Date

So: did you join the apps to find a pen pal, or to go on dates?

It’s so easy to find yourself in an endless back and forth of messages. I’ve found that often for straight folks, women are waiting for the man to make the first move; meanwhile, men are worried about coming off as too pushy or eager, and want to wait to take cues from the woman. But whether you’re matching with someone of the opposite sex or the same, be the person to break the endless messaging cycle! Once you’ve sent 4 or 5 back-and-forths to one another, cut to the chase and ask your match for a phone call or a date. Your match will be so glad you did!

​
Happy Dating!

Alyssa

The One and Only DIY Profile Kit

Designed for getting your profile Swipe-Right ready in as little time as possible. With the DIY Profile Kit, you’ll learn to avoid the most common pitfalls that make for an undesirable profile while building a winning profile that attracts individuals who match your lifestyle and standards.

LEARN MORE

MORE DATING ADVICE

<< MORE DATING APP ADVICE